worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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