high people should be assigned attendants
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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