so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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