Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
