theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
