god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
