Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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