I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
