I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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