I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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