I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
