I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
