If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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