I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
