he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
