I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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