Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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