Swine flu is the new snow day.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
