last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
