Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
