My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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