dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
