they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
