come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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