I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
