just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
