Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
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I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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