I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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