Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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