I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
