He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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