New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
