i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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