There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
