I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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