you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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