Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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