I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
