Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
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You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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