Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
