that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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