Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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