worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
