last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
