I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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