u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
