Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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