k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
