i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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