If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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