you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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