his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
