I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
