The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
