I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
