ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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