Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
