I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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