i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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