mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
