I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
